Posted on August 4, 2024

It seems like we repeatedly end up here: something happens with a woman who looks too masculine, is actually trans, or in this case, may have Swyer syndrome, and the internet warriors come out in force. Regardless of the situation, it turns into a diatribe against trans* folks, and queer individuals suddenly see the true colors of their supposed friends and family play out on their Facebook newsfeed. (*Please note that I often use trans as an umbrella term for gender diverse individuals. Although it may be outdated, it resonates with most people.)

Although I’m a part of the queer community, I’m a cis woman and my voice is not the most important voice in this conversation. Please seek out trans voices and see what they’re saying and how they’re feeling. At the same time, I believe two things are true. One, it is unreasonable and unfair to expect trans people to carry the brunt of the necessary emotional labor here. Two, allies need to speak up and leverage their voices in ways that don’t take away from the power and importance of what trans identified individuals are saying. This blog seems like a reasonable way to do the latter.

There are hundreds of places where you can find ways to try and fight back against the onslaught of transphobic comments, if you want to. Instead, I want to focus on the human element here. On the effects the internet warriors inadvertently end up having on people they, at least superficially, care about, and how to manage any difficult emotions you might find yourself having now. It’s like that meme I see floating around every June—be careful who you hate, it might be someone you love.

I was doomscrolling on Facebook and saw an anonymous post from one of the approximately 700 groups I’m in. A woman posted asking for advice about her upcoming wedding to her trans fiancé. The invitations have been sent, RSVPs received, and all she should be thinking about is how beautiful her wedding is going to be. Instead, she’s not sure what to do because she feels she now knows how her family really feels about her fiancé, even if they are nice to his face, and she doesn’t know if she should uninvite them because it would cause drama or if she should just deal with it. It was heartbreaking, and all too familiar. I have seen too many clients and friends in similar situations.

Being a part of the queer community is often scary, and there are far too many traumatic coming out stories for anyone to not understand why it’s so hard to live authentically. But what people don’t often realize is how coming out is a repetitive process that happens over and over. Is this new situation I’m in safe? Can I tell people who I really am? What will happen if I’m wrong? And sometimes, even when we think we’re safe, as was the case with the bride who deserves a beautiful wedding, we’re blindsided and reminded so many view us as “other” at best, and some words I won’t write here at worst.

There is a reason why the concept of chosen family is so important to the queer community. Too many of us lost our biological family somewhere along our journeys toward authenticity, and we had people step into those familial roles. Stand In Pride is a phenomenal organization you can volunteer with. Wherever your event, someone will come and stand in for any familial role, and shower you with the love you deserve. Because you absolutely deserve that unconditional love, just for being you.

Chosen family doesn’t take away the pain of losing your biological family, and so many emotions come up in these moments. Internalized shame, wanting to be “normal,” not feeling good enough, feeling abandoned—emotions we’re all too familiar with. If you’re struggling with the recent onslaught of internet warriors, please reach out to your support system. Vent, cry, rage as much as you need. And if you don’t feel like you have a support system, or you need more help than they can give, find an LGBTQ+ affirming therapist licensed in your state you can talk to. A good therapist can help you process what you’re feeling, build self-esteem, live authentically, and realize you are good enough, just as you are.

If you need LGBTQ+ affirming therapy in Idaho, click here to directly schedule with me.